Alice in Swampland

Coming January 6, 2020

Excerpt Below

Enjoy the antics of The Donald as a civilized Alice winds her way through the vast swamp of the uncivilized, clownish, chaotic Trump Administration. Meet such swampy characters as Rudy the Dragonfly, Kellyanne the Mosquito, Sarah the Swamp Rat, Betsy the Venus Flytrap, Lindsey the Wild Boar, Mitch the Anaconda, Tucker the Tick, and the singing and dancing Army Ants: Jim, Devin, Ted, and Kevin.

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Please keep in mind that Alice is English from the year 1865, based on the personage of Alice Liddell. Alices Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll (aka: Charles Dodgson) is in the public domain as are the illustrations of John Tenniel.

As Alice noted in Episode 5 about the room she had entered riding atop the back of Sean the Fire Ant…:

I looked about the circular room. Sets of curtains, spaced evenly apart, ran all round the perimeter. Each set hung open a foot or two and revealed closed doors behind them. I spied no other Roman columns save the one we descended.

Present are the Great Kanaima (A lizard-like creature, according to Merriam-Webster to be … “an evil spirit or a person possessed by an evil spirit believed by Indians of British Guiana and northwestern Brazil to be an avenger.”) Also present are Sarah the Swamp Rat and Kellyanne the Mosquito.

In trying to find their way back to Swampland, Stephen the Salamander opened one door to discover ….

Stephen opened the door, and we all peered inside. A rectangular table filled most of a little, yellow room. Round the table, squeezed in tight, sat more hideous creatures; a snapping turtle, a tick, a fly, and a raccoon. All were about three feet high like most of the other creatures.

“This is the TV studio war room,” the Great Kanaima said. “I didn’t want to go there.”

Sean stepped forward. “Alice and Dinah, I want you to meet Hanny the Snapping Turtle, Tucker the Tick, Jay the Raccoon, and visiting is Rick the Fly.”

Rick stared at me with a worried look. “There are three reasons why I’m here.” He held up one leg. “Commerce.” He held up another. “Education.” He held up a third. “And … uh, let’s see. What’s the third one?” He put his legs down and started again by holding up one leg. “Commerce.” He held up another. “Education.” He held up a third. “And … uh … oops.” He lowered all his legs and grinned.

“Excuse me, gentlemen,” the Great Kanaima said, but I must get back to Swampland.” He started to close the door.

“Wait!” said Jay the Raccoon. “We’re trying to concoct a Ukrainian defense for you.” He held up a piece of paper. “So far we have…,” he read, “… you never said it, and that it was a perfect call; then yes, you did say it, but there was no pressure, no quid pro quo; then the whistleblower is a spy; then Adam helped write the complaint; then the whole thing was a hoax; then it was your right to ask Zelensky; then it was all part of an anti-corruption campaign; and lastly, that you were just kidding about China and all of it.” He set the paper down and grinned. “In that order. What do you think?”

“In my great and unmatched wisdom…,” the Great Kanaima offered his clownish grin again, “… I must say that I like it.”

Rick shifted in his seat. “You shouldn’t really say things on the phone like that without consulting your advisors. You seem to ignore them most of the time … and you should have never released the transcripts.” He shook his head. “Big mistake.”

The Great Kanaima jumped into the room, grabbed Rick by his wings, and dragged him into the Roman column room. Doors opened to one side, and a large vehicle with two decks shot through the open doorway. As it passed us, the Great Kanaima threw Rick in front of it. The vehicle ran over him leaving only a giant, red stain on the floor. The vehicle continued across the room where a set of doors opened, and it passed through. The doors closed behind it.

I gawked at the red spot. “How awfully gross!”

The Great Kanaima walked back to the TV studio war room and glanced round the table, stopping at Jay. “Then … tell them Rick told me to make the call.”


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